the prodigal daughter returns home

today, September 8, 2012, marks a very epic day.

it all started with me choosing to go to a coffee shop for the first time in...... FOREVER.  I turned my trusty 6-year old iPod on a sweet playlist and started journaling. 

I was in my zone.  Do you have a "zone"?  Like-- the environment where you just... CLICK to do your very best work?  For me, sitting in a coffee shop with my Bible, journal, colored pens, and other various reading material is definitely a SWEET atmosphere for me to really, really, REALLY connect with the Lord.  Sure, I can connect with the Lord in a ton of other ways, too----- BUT there is just something about sitting down with a warm beverage and my journal & Bible that really opens my heart.

and to be honest............ I haven't really connected well with the Lord in weeks.

ok, Ella, be honest.......... more like...........months.  :(

and the saddest part of all:

I've sort of been................. 

choosing.......

NOT to. 

In the coffee shop, at my table, as soon as I picked up my pen to write even today's date of all things at the top of my page------ IMMEDIATELY I felt the stirrings of the Holy Spirit-- that warmth-- that inner voice-of-the-Lord which says to me, "ELLA I've missed you SO MUCH!  This is so wonderful!! I am so glad to be here with you!! I'm so excited to show you things and teach you today- this is going to be awesome! Yay!!" ........at the same time, I was tempted to buy into lies, and feel exactly what the stupid, low-life enemy wants me to feel =

• shame
• guilt
• wanting to hide
• wanting to "earn" my way back in to this inner circle of sweet fellowship

 .......basically everything that makes me feel like utter pond scum.

Know why?

Cause the enemy, unfortunately, knows how to push my buttons.  Whatever is going on with my fellowship with the Lord, the enemy always works his same, stupid crap = trying to make me want to run and hide.. trying to make me feel guilty for the time lost.  Robbing my JOY of the present moment!

I wrote in my journal: "O Lord, WHY haven't I had a morning date with You before now?  It's been SO LONG!!  I KNOW myself better than this.  I just NEED to choose to get OUT of my house and go on a sweet date with You- to have that intentional time. I know better.  It just... does something to my heart to be out with you on a date.  It draws me out.  It's how I really really MEET with You in a sweet, sweet way.  It's how I can be Mary-- sitting at your feet and saying "Rabbi, teach me!"

then, I immediately wrote:

"I'm so tempted to think, "Oh I bet the Lord is saying 'SEE I TOLD you! I've been tugging at you and WHY has it taken you this long to do something about it and actually spend time with Me? I'm so disappointed with you. You have failed, Ella!..."

Well, guess what, stupid enemy.

I'm not falling for that crap today.  The next thing I wrote in my journal was =

BUT LORD -- THAT'S NOT TRUE!  That is NOT Your voice.

:)

Immediately, the Lord drew me to Luke 15--- and I read the stories of the lost sheep... lost coin... and lost son.

In that last story, a father has 2 sons.  One of them asks for his inheritance early (his father isn't dead yet!)-- and he leaves his father's house.  He squanders away all the money and is eventually living in the worst of conditions.  He decides to go home and apologize to his Dad.  Here's what I read that just melted me today (verses 20-24):

..."and he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father ran and embraced him and kissed him.  And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate."

I've read that story (of the father and his sons) MANY times over my lifetime.

But for the first time..... probably ever in my life....

In this season: I really, really identify with that son that leaves.

I was the daughter of my Father (God!), who grew up, loving Him and knowing Him and trusting Him---- but somewhere over the last few months, I have had times, here and there, of squandering my own inheritance, if you will.

Just like the son in the story, over the last few months I've had times of =

• not wanting to be obedient to the Father
• not wanting to trust Who He is- Who I've always known Him to be (good, faithful, loving, etc.)
• not wanting to be faithful to the Father anymore
• wanting to run away
• wanting to be satisfied in something else other than my Father's house and provision
•  ETC!

And JUST like the son.........
I had a homecoming day.

And JUST like the father in the story.........
My Father came RUNNING for me. 
He isn't mad.
He isn't upset.
He embraces me.
Welcomes me back into His house... treating me like I never left.

You see.. I've always read that story in Luke chapter 15 assuming that the son that goes off and blows all his money was a big idiot--- and he was probably always the "black sheep" of the family.  He was always a "bad seed."  He was the sinful, bad, party animal, free-swingin' wildcat who was definitely in need of a Savior.  

In short = I assumed that son NEVER loved the Father-- He only really had his eyes opened after he came home after squandering it all away.

I never realized that maybe that the son grew up like a normal kid.
Working hard... playing hard.
Loving his Dad... trying to be obedient and faithful.
Maybe one day he just cracked.  Got tired of it all.  Bought into the lies of the enemy, whispering in his ear, "GO! Get out of here-- you know you'll have more fun and fulfillment somewhere else!"

And he did.

But when all the money was gone... and his heart was an aching, empty hole, he realized that he DID miss his dad.  That he enjoyed being at his Dad's house--- that his Dad's provision---and presence!!!---was better than anything else in the whole world.

So he went home.
AND-- amazingly---BEAUTIFULLY-- was received with open, OPEN arms.

The last few months have, unfortunately, proved me a prodigal daughter.
Out in the world, squandering away my inheritance of faith/trust in the Lord here and there.  Seeking fulfillment in very small, quiet ways in other things or other people.

But the Spirit is faithful to draw me... WOO me... back home. 

And today marks my homecoming.

I was sort of lost...... but now I'm found.  And I was met today (in that coffee shop, of all places!)... with open arms of my Father who LOVES ME.  And who has never left me.  Never stopped loving me.  Never stopped being faithful.  Never stopped pursuing me, beckoning me back home into His provision and His presence.

I pray for you this minute-- that you will take courage in my post.
That if you, too, are feeling like a rebel/runaway son or daughter... that your heart will take courage in knowing that our Dad loves us with a never-stopping, unbreakable, forever and always love that is covered in faithfulness and steady, abundant provision.  

Know He's there... even when you're trying to run.
Know He loves you... even when you aren't sure you love Him back.
Know He's providing for you... even when everything feels like it's falling apart.
Know He will never stop being faithful to you... even if you are filling your heart with things apart from Him.
Know He will never stop pursuing you... whether you run home or not.

AND know that going home is the best decision you will ever make.

a party awaits you... 
love awaits you...
full-up-to-the-brim LIFE awaits you.



p.s. if you just got done reading this, (1) Thank you so much for your time, cause this was LONG!  and (2) Can I selfishly(?) ask you to please leave some kind of comment?  Don't get me wrong: I don't blog for comments... I blog cause I like to share my life via the Internet/writing/pictures/etc.  But this post really feels like I put my blood, sweat, & tears out there a little--- I just feel weird putting my heart out there without any feedback!  I mean, if it was an in-person conversation, and someone dumps their guts out on the table.. isn't it a natural response to give a little feedback?  I think it'd be weird if it didn't happen!  So can I please ask you kindly to leave a comment?  I'd really appreciate hearing whatever you have to say.  THANKS!

isaiah 55

Come, everyone who thirsts,
    come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without price.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,

    and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to Me, and eat what is good,
    and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
    hear, that your soul may live;

and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
    My steadfast, sure love for David.

Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,
    a leader and commander for the peoples.

Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,
    and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,
because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
    for He has glorified you. 

Seek the Lord while He may be found;

    call upon him while He is near.

let the wicked forsake his way,
    and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord, that He may have compassion on him,

    and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.

 

  

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are My ways higher than your ways
    and My thoughts than your thoughts.

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven

    and do not return there but water the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,
    giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

so shall My Word be that goes out from My mouth;
    it shall not return to Me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
    and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

 

 

"For you shall go out in joy

    and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you
    shall break forth into singing,

    and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
    instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord,
    an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

thought it might be nice to post one of my (and my husband's!) favorite chapters of Scripture. hope it is a blessing to you today and a reminder of God's GOODNESS, faithfulness, and steadfast-forever-kind-of-love. all pictures are mine-- from various adventures i've had with the Lord. if you want to know more about the stories behind them, feel free to let me know. :)  God's blessings on you today!

quote(s) of the day

good morning!

just read this quote on my friend Susan's Facebook status and thought it was so. rich.  good enough to blog about and share. 
  

" our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." ~ Francis Chan

i don't know about you, but i definitely want to spend some time thinking about this.  maybe some questions i need to ponder include:

• what things/goals/projects do i really want to succeed with?
• what does it mean to "succeed"?
• when i think about "failing," what sorts of projects/decisions come into my mind?
• whose opinions matter most in my life? (be honest, ella!).
• what sorts of things really matter?  am i investing my time, energy, money, passion, etc. into those things?

maybe you can join me in pondering these things.  honestly, for me, i think sometimes it takes more courage for me to ask the Lord "What things in my life should i not spend as much time with/give up altogether?"  than it does to actually do the downsizing/giving up of those things/endeavors.  

why, ella, do you get so afraid?  


i have to continuously preach to myself that
the Lord is good.
He loves you.
He has your BEST interests at heart.
NOTHING can separate you from His steadfast love, goodness, and faithfulness.


maybe we can pray, together, that the Lord would change our hearts and lives that we might actually live out of those truths written above.  that we would go about our projects, activities, and relationships with the intention of blessing HIS name and not our own, and that we would deem success when HE gets the glory and not ourselves---- even though that is so hard sometimes... to take the back seat when i really want to be center stage, getting pats on the back and lots of compliments on my hard, devoted work.

but this is not His plan; this is not what is best for me.

God's passion is for HIS glory-- because He is GOOD! :)  and if God's passion is His glory, then it should be mine, as well.

one last good quote for the road:
“Do you feel loved by God because you believe He makes much of you, or because you believe He frees you and empowers you to enjoy making much of Him?” ~ John Piper

oh, Father, let the latter part of that sentence be my heart's desire today and forevermore! 

sabbath day refreshment

hey there and happy Sunday. :)

hope your Sabbath was not only restful but refreshing.  one of the many things i learned in my time overseas as a missionary was that my Sabbath day should not only a day of napping/not working/getting physical rest, but should be a day that **refreshes** my whole self.  i soooo enjoy doing things on my Sabbath days that recharge my batteries in all directions--- beyond the afternoon nap on the couch.

 one of the things i did today that was super-refreshing was to learn something new.  i can't help myself--- like my Momma always says, "if you're not learning, you're dead."  i just HAVE to learn new things---- all the time!!!---- to feel like myself.  it's just part of my DNA.  so my latest project is: learning how to play the guitar. :)

 

the sweetest couple at my church has an extra guitar that they are letting me borrow as i pluck around and try to teach myself how to play this instrument that i have wanted to learn since 2006---- when i first started singing in the praise & worship band for the Cru movement on my college campus.  sooo... 6 years later, tim and rena are helping me achieve my dream; thanks guys! :)  i'm not very good, at ALL,   wait, let's be real, i don't even really know where to put my fingers. or wrist. or do... pretty much anything.

BUT!  i did learn a really fun acronym today to help me remember the order of the 6 strings!  

     Eddie
     Ate
     Dynamite
     Good
     Bye
     Eddie

totally sad. and dangerous.  YET-- it helps me know the names of the strings in their order (EADGBE).  kind of morbid, but i know i'll never forget those notes! :)

on to my other project of the day: bread baking.
there is just something about kneading dough for minutes on end that transforms my heart & takes me to a happy, happy place.  i think i've always loved it----- ever since my Play-Doh days!  for reals.  on to the recipe:


100% Whole Wheat Bread (with flax and honey) :)
{from the glorious bakers at King Arthur Flour. thanks guys!}
click here to get the original recipe.  below, i'm posting what i baked today because i made a few changes! (for example, my mom doesn't have powdered milk at her house so i used the nonfat half-n-half that was in the fridge, etc.)

• 1 cup warm water
• 1 packet active dry yeast
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1/4 cup orange juice
• scant 1/4 cup fat-free half and half
• 1/4 cup vegetable oil
• 3 1/4 cups King Arthur Premium 100% Whole Wheat Flour (plus extra, (maybe up to 1/2 to 2/3 cup extra) cause my dough was sticky and needed it)
• 1/4 cup ground flax seeds (ground flax mill)
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1) In a large bowl, dissolve yeast into warm water & honey.   i combined the half & half and orange juice in a separate bowl and microwaved it till it was lukewarm. (probably the sickest combination i've ever put in a microwave. ever.  but SO worth it in the end!  i think it helped to have those cold liquids be the same, warmish temperature as the water/honey/yeast mixture... and the acidic OJ really cuts down on the sometimes-bitter taste of all that whole wheat flour.  it goes completely undetected in your finished product!).  :)

2) Add the rest of the ingredients and stir till the dough starts to leave the sides of the bowl. Transfer dough to lightly greased surface, oil your hands, and knead it for 6 to 8 minutes, or until it begins to become smooth and supple.  This is the point in my dough-making journey where I had to add extra flour.  Just eyeball it... baking needs to be fun.  :)  The dough should still be soft, for sure!--- but I had to add that extra flour because I used liquid half & half instead of the powdered milk, called for in the orig recipe. 

3) Transfer your happy little dough ball to a lightly greased bowl, cover it, and allow the dough to rise till puffy, but not necessarily doubled in bulk, about 1 to 2 hours, depending on the warmth of your rising-spot. (i let my dough rise in the oven, turned off, but the oven light was turned on.)   :)

3) Transfer the risen dough to a lightly greased work surface, and shape it into an 8" dough loaf. Place the log in a lightly greased 8 1/2" x 4 1/2" loaf pan, cover the pan loosely with lightly greased plastic wrap, and allow the bread to rise for about 1 to 2 hours, or till the center has crowned about 1" above the rim of the pan. Towards the end of the rising time, preheat the oven to 350°F.  (NOTE: i've made this recipe several times in a 9x5" loaf pan, and the bread still tastes great, but the "crown" on its top just won't be as pronounced.)

4) Bake the bread for 35 to 40 minutes (although I did a full 40 today!), tenting it lightly with aluminum foil after ~20 minutes to prevent over-browning. [The finished loaf should be 190°F on an instant-read thermometer inserted into the center.]

5) Remove the bread from the oven, and turn it out of the pan onto a rack to cool.  NOW-Rub the top o' that baby down with butter.  If you can control yourself, the KAF bakers tell us to "cool completely before slicing."  No way I could wait for that!  ;)  Enjoy that bread with whatever you wanna put on it---- or maybe even plain!!  It's just that good.  [and good FOR you!]  :)  Store the bread in a plastic bag at room temperature.

lessons from bloggers & drug-doers

{ Lesson #1 - from the blogger }

recently, i was super-convicted while stumbling upon this blog post (found it via Pinterest).  it was about "10 ways to love your husband" ----- and the one that really had the Holy Spirit tapping on my heart was #8: "let him win an argument. be the first to back down." 

wow.  i SO need to hear this.  like every day.  

sometimes i'm a liiiittle bit monica-gellerish: i love to win. and i love to win in arguments.  sometimes at the expense of others.  AHH i'm ashamed.  but it's true.  :(

so this woman's nugget about backing down from an argument really helped me take a step back and evaluate my words, actions, motivations, and above all..... how i'm paying attention to the Spirit's presence in my life on a day-to-day basis-- and whether or not i'm choosing to ignore Him or pay attention.

i love my husband and want to show him  r * e * s * p * e * c * t.  

like aretha franklin style.  actually no, better than that, ephesians-5 style.

after sharing my recent convictions & musings with my sweet husband, he shared with me a story from the hospital.  

{ lesson #2 - from the drug-doer (God bless him) }

dr. bud said, "ella that reminds me of a patient i've taken care of who is a drug addict. this person is addicted to heroin and his arm is all torn up. i had to see this patient to change his bandage over his drug-using-inflicted wounds, and he was really sensitive about removing the bandage.  he was, frankly, being kind of a baby and whining, complaining, and yelling at me to leave him alone and not touch his arm.  i tried to calmly tell him that cleaning his wound and putting on a new dressing would help him, and that i had to do it, but he just freaked out and didn't want me to touch him.  it dawned on me, that i think Jesus does this with me all the time.  He wants to help me and clean my wounds--- but i fuss and make a big deal and say "don't touch me!!!"  the Lord is patient with me, and only wants to "hurt" me and cause me momentary affliction, which feels like the end of the world----- but it's really for my ultimate good."

a reminder from my sweet doctor-husband about how the Lord is our Ultimate Physician--- who wants to clean our wounds - even though it hurts for a little bit! -- for our GOOD.  so we can be clean. and whole. and healed.

oh Lord, let me love my husband enough to "back down first" from arguments--- AND let me not fight with You when You try to clean my wounds and heal me!!

i was checking out old high school year books tonight, 
and i couldn't help but add a picture in from my freshman year.  
(look at those skinny legs on my 15-year-old self!)  haha.  
 can't believe we've been friends for over a decade. :)  
so fun that this dear friend turned out to be my husband!