today, September 8, 2012, marks a very epic day.
it all started with me choosing to go to a coffee shop for the first time in...... FOREVER. I turned my trusty 6-year old iPod on a sweet playlist and started journaling.
I was in my zone. Do you have a "zone"? Like-- the environment where you just... CLICK to do your very best work? For me, sitting in a coffee shop with my Bible, journal, colored pens, and other various reading material is definitely a SWEET atmosphere for me to really, really, REALLY connect with the Lord. Sure, I can connect with the Lord in a ton of other ways, too----- BUT there is just something about sitting down with a warm beverage and my journal & Bible that really opens my heart.
and to be honest............ I haven't really connected well with the Lord in weeks.
ok, Ella, be honest.......... more like...........months. :(
and the saddest part of all:
I've sort of been.................
choosing.......
NOT to.
In the coffee shop, at my table, as soon as I picked up my pen to write even today's date of all things at the top of my page------ IMMEDIATELY I felt the stirrings of the Holy Spirit-- that warmth-- that inner voice-of-the-Lord which says to me, "ELLA I've missed you SO MUCH! This is so wonderful!! I am so glad to be here with you!! I'm so excited to show you things and teach you today- this is going to be awesome! Yay!!" ........at the same time, I was tempted to buy into lies, and feel exactly what the stupid, low-life enemy wants me to feel =
- shame
- guilt
- wanting to hide
- wanting to "earn" my way back in to this inner circle of sweet fellowship
.......basically everything that makes me feel like utter pond scum.
Know why?
Cause the enemy, unfortunately, knows how to push my buttons. Whatever is going on with my fellowship with the Lord, the enemy always works his same, stupid crap = trying to make me want to run and hide.. trying to make me feel guilty for the time lost. Robbing my JOY of the present moment!
Cause the enemy, unfortunately, knows how to push my buttons. Whatever is going on with my fellowship with the Lord, the enemy always works his same, stupid crap = trying to make me want to run and hide.. trying to make me feel guilty for the time lost. Robbing my JOY of the present moment!
I wrote in my journal: "O Lord, WHY haven't I had a morning date with You before now? It's been SO LONG!! I KNOW myself better than this. I just NEED to choose to get OUT of my house and go on a sweet date with You- to have that intentional time. I know better. It just... does something to my heart to be out with you on a date. It draws me out. It's how I really really MEET with You in a sweet, sweet way. It's how I can be Mary-- sitting at your feet and saying "Rabbi, teach me!"
then, I immediately wrote:
"I'm so tempted to think, "Oh I bet the Lord is saying 'SEE I TOLD you! I've been tugging at you and WHY has it taken you this long to do something about it and actually spend time with Me? I'm so disappointed with you. You have failed, Ella!..."
Well, guess what, stupid enemy.
I'm not falling for that crap today. The next thing I wrote in my journal was =
BUT LORD -- THAT'S NOT TRUE! That is NOT Your voice.
:)
Immediately, the Lord drew me to Luke 15--- and I read the stories of the lost sheep... lost coin... and lost son.
In that last story, a father has 2 sons. One of them asks for his inheritance early (his father isn't dead yet!)-- and he leaves his father's house. He squanders away all the money and is eventually living in the worst of conditions. He decides to go home and apologize to his Dad. Here's what I read that just melted me today (verses 20-24):
..."and he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate."
I've read that story (of the father and his sons) MANY times over my lifetime.
But for the first time..... probably ever in my life....
In this season: I really, really identify with that son that leaves.
I was the daughter of my Father (God!), who grew up, loving Him and knowing Him and trusting Him---- but somewhere over the last few months, I have had times, here and there, of squandering my own inheritance, if you will.
Just like the son in the story, over the last few months I've had times of =
- not wanting to be obedient to the Father
- not wanting to trust Who He is- Who I've always known Him to be (good, faithful, loving, etc.)
- not wanting to be faithful to the Father anymore
- wanting to run away
- wanting to be satisfied in something else other than my Father's house and provision
- ETC!
I had a homecoming day.
And JUST like the father in the story.........
My Father came RUNNING for me.
He isn't mad.
He isn't upset.
He embraces me.
Welcomes me back into His house... treating me like I never left.
You see.. I've always read that story in Luke chapter 15 assuming that the son that goes off and blows all his money was a big idiot--- and he was probably always the "black sheep" of the family. He was always a "bad seed." He was the sinful, bad, party animal, free-swingin' wildcat who was definitely in need of a Savior.
In short = I assumed that son NEVER loved the Father-- He only really had his eyes opened after he came home after squandering it all away.
I never realized that maybe that the son grew up like a normal kid.
Working hard... playing hard.
Loving his Dad... trying to be obedient and faithful.
Maybe one day he just cracked. Got tired of it all. Bought into the lies of the enemy, whispering in his ear, "GO! Get out of here-- you know you'll have more fun and fulfillment somewhere else!"
And he did.
But when all the money was gone... and his heart was an aching, empty hole, he realized that he DID miss his dad. That he enjoyed being at his Dad's house--- that his Dad's provision---and presence!!!---was better than anything else in the whole world.
So he went home.
AND-- amazingly---BEAUTIFULLY-- was received with open, OPEN arms.
The last few months have, unfortunately, proved me a prodigal daughter.
Out in the world, squandering away my inheritance of faith/trust in the Lord here and there. Seeking fulfillment in very small, quiet ways in other things or other people.
But the Spirit is faithful to draw me... WOO me... back home.
And today marks my homecoming.
I was sort of lost...... but now I'm found. And I was met today (in that coffee shop, of all places!)... with open arms of my Father who LOVES ME. And who has never left me. Never stopped loving me. Never stopped being faithful. Never stopped pursuing me, beckoning me back home into His provision and His presence.
I pray for you this minute-- that you will take courage in my post.
That if you, too, are feeling like a rebel/runaway son or daughter... that your heart will take courage in knowing that our Dad loves us with a never-stopping, unbreakable, forever and always love that is covered in faithfulness and steady, abundant provision.
Know He's there... even when you're trying to run.
Know He loves you... even when you aren't sure you love Him back.
Know He's providing for you... even when everything feels like it's falling apart.
Know He will never stop being faithful to you... even if you are filling your heart with things apart from Him.
Know He will never stop pursuing you... whether you run home or not.
AND know that going home is the best decision you will ever make.
a party awaits you...
love awaits you...
full-up-to-the-brim LIFE awaits you.
p.s. if you just got done reading this, (1) Thank you so much for your time, cause this was LONG! and (2) Can I selfishly(?) ask you to please leave some kind of comment? Don't get me wrong: I don't blog for comments... I blog cause I like to share my life via the Internet/writing/pictures/etc. But this post really feels like I put my blood, sweat, & tears out there a little--- I just feel weird putting my heart out there without any feedback! I mean, if it was an in-person conversation, and someone dumps their guts out on the table.. isn't it a natural response to give a little feedback? I think it'd be weird if it didn't happen! So can I please ask you kindly to leave a comment? I'd really appreciate hearing whatever you have to say. THANKS!
